In the mailbox: Will My Husband Hate Me If I Write About His Drinking And It's The Only Thing I Write That Ever Gets Published And Then It Also Wins An Award?
If you're compelled to write, write. If someone takes it personally, let them. Chances are, that person has a very distorted view of you anyway.
Im only speaking from my own experience, but abusive parents can't recall any abuses because it doesnt jive with the delusion that they are decent people. Recalling abuses would shatter their identity and result in a psychotic break. Also, they did the best they could with what they had. Im the only one responsible for me today, and its been that way for a long time.
Something else to keep in mind: If you write a very unflattering character, most people would never cop to being the basis for the character. So if everyone in the story is awful, youre safe, and you're writing realism. Ha.
This is a tough one; one which I struggle with myself. I mean, I agree with Dan’s comment about which genre are you trying to write and you must choose—though I’ll admit that’s harder than it sounds. I prefer fiction to memoir, but then again, as Wil pointed out, what if by sharing your struggle, you help someone else?
As for IBNIICWAGI’s asking the question in the first place, is the husband drinking more than she would like or is he an alcoholic? Because with an alcoholic, he or she often hides their drinking (or tries to). So the person you are supposed to trust to go to for advice and questions becomes the person who is telling you they are running to the store real quick to get a loaf of bread, and then two or four or eight hours later (or maybe not at all!) they are still not back. And this happens over and over again, and then when they are home, there’s this underlying feeling that they just itching sneak away to do the very thing they are hiding from you, which if you’ve ever experienced this, is an insane kind of maddening.
And it hurts, yes, but after however many years of this pattern, it probably generates this snowball of anger and anxiety--and for a writer, a special kind of hell in terms of writer’s block, and I guess what I’m getting at is I think it’s a fair question. And yeah, maybe she does want to punch him sometimes. Maybe she wants to kick him in the dick for being man enough to admit he has a problem but then never following through to get help with it again and again and maybe IBNIICWAGI is lonely. More lonely than she’s ever fucking been because who can she even talk to except for strangers on the internet?
Wil, I think you hit it on the head it with this: “by naming a dread - I can catch it, reduce its power, and that now named, the troubling thought is less out of control, the troubling thought becomes manageable.” I think this is maybe why I write, why I’ve always written, why many of us do.
Myself, I would stick with fiction, but memoir is certainly easier to bleed out sometimes. But for publication? I'm a scaredy cat. For me, metaphors is the safest bet--best of both worlds. You might have to force the metaphors at first, maybe later they will come more naturally, or maybe the practice of it will simply exhaust the topic and give you some peace, but it sounds like IBNIICWAGI is trapped either way, and the only way out is to write it, whatever the route...
I'm working on a metaphored dad addiction from pov of daughter story, hopefully in a flash style, like Etgar Keret - right now it's rolls of quarters he shoves in his mouth that stretch out his cheeks as he shakes his head back and forth until he gets dizzy and falls over... which... i think i need to find a better metaphor, lol. i want it weird, so everyone will think dad's addiction is their addiction... i'll send it your way once i figure out how it ends...
IBNIICWAGI isn't writing for my advice, but I'll give it anyway.
"I can’t seem to write about anything except my husband’s drinking and how it affects our family." -IBNIICWAGI
You're not writing fiction. This is a thinly veiled memoir. And that's fine, but which genre are you trying to write? You must choose. If you choose fiction, then consider writing about alcoholism as a metaphor or addiction as a theme. Twist it. Disguise it. If you do it well, the message will inevitably shine through and hit oh-so-much harder.
To Max Brooks, his book World War Z wasn't about zombies spreading and taking over the entire world. It was about his mother dying of cancer, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.
—
"Because they probably won’t." -WD
This made me laugh out loud. Like Wil (or Daniel W. Broallt), I have published short stories that I hope my family will never read. I did not use a pen name. My family knows I've been published. They can search my name and find my stories, but they probably never will. And that's okay. I don't ask about their hobbies either.
Dan - it took me a while to realize that my friends and family that don't read for pleasure won't start just because I wrote something, likely in a genre they don't understand...
The memoir vs. metaphored version - on the one hand I want to counter with spanbauer(?) lish(?) saying - that story you cannot tell anyone? your secret pain? write that! the whole dangerous writing idea. you might get something like In the Cemetery Where Al Jolsen is Buried! Or you might treat workshop like therapy, take personal your peers critiques on the main character's plot, etc. I remember in a college writing class as everyone critiqued a breakup drama story one of the more talented writers had submitted and the class unanimously agreed that the protagonist was unrealistically stalky and the author got super defensive and the class realized it wasn't fiction and the lively debate faltered to awkward, 'well, write what you want, i guess...'
Hah. Yes, that will always happen. I agree with writing your secret pain, but too often writers will refuse to make improvements to their "fictional story" because "that isn't what happened in real life." These types of writers are helpless. If you're writing fiction, take what is real and either disguise it or exaggerate it beyond recognition. Rarely will the truth be enough for an engaging story, and the reader couldn't care less if it's true or not.
I like this discussion, It's something I have thought alot about. I've been sober a long long time and all my interesting personal experiences involve either being on drugs or being with people who are also in recovery. I don't have a problem anonymizing someone from my life for a story, or altering details for fiction in order to veil the storys origin... But then I think: if this person read this what would they think? Would they be upset enough to call me out on it? Would it change the nature of our relationship if they knew I used them for material? And yeah, it makes me a little anxious, but I know, as Mr. Writer said, people simply are not that likely to read this stuff. And if they do? Thats a bigger upside to me than the risk to the relationship, which is pretty small considering type of writing I am likely to put out about "them". That said, could I write about a fictional marriage to a character that has my wife's chief character flaws and not expect some trouble? No. Thats the risk, that's what would likely make it compelling writing and would probably make the reader (spouse included) feel things that may not sit well. It's probaly worth it. The last thing I would say here is that if a story gets published about a drunk (fictional, memoire-ical, etc...), and read by the drunk, it might fuck up their drinking which may make the marraige untenable or uncomfortable but maybe thats for the best. Consequences get people sober, I've seen it happen.
If you're compelled to write, write. If someone takes it personally, let them. Chances are, that person has a very distorted view of you anyway.
Im only speaking from my own experience, but abusive parents can't recall any abuses because it doesnt jive with the delusion that they are decent people. Recalling abuses would shatter their identity and result in a psychotic break. Also, they did the best they could with what they had. Im the only one responsible for me today, and its been that way for a long time.
Pragmatically, I'm a big advocate for believing that everyone else is doing the best they could and that me, myself, I could be doing better. Ha!
the "ha!" because that's easier to say in the comments than remember when frustrated...
Something else to keep in mind: If you write a very unflattering character, most people would never cop to being the basis for the character. So if everyone in the story is awful, youre safe, and you're writing realism. Ha.
This is a tough one; one which I struggle with myself. I mean, I agree with Dan’s comment about which genre are you trying to write and you must choose—though I’ll admit that’s harder than it sounds. I prefer fiction to memoir, but then again, as Wil pointed out, what if by sharing your struggle, you help someone else?
As for IBNIICWAGI’s asking the question in the first place, is the husband drinking more than she would like or is he an alcoholic? Because with an alcoholic, he or she often hides their drinking (or tries to). So the person you are supposed to trust to go to for advice and questions becomes the person who is telling you they are running to the store real quick to get a loaf of bread, and then two or four or eight hours later (or maybe not at all!) they are still not back. And this happens over and over again, and then when they are home, there’s this underlying feeling that they just itching sneak away to do the very thing they are hiding from you, which if you’ve ever experienced this, is an insane kind of maddening.
And it hurts, yes, but after however many years of this pattern, it probably generates this snowball of anger and anxiety--and for a writer, a special kind of hell in terms of writer’s block, and I guess what I’m getting at is I think it’s a fair question. And yeah, maybe she does want to punch him sometimes. Maybe she wants to kick him in the dick for being man enough to admit he has a problem but then never following through to get help with it again and again and maybe IBNIICWAGI is lonely. More lonely than she’s ever fucking been because who can she even talk to except for strangers on the internet?
Wil, I think you hit it on the head it with this: “by naming a dread - I can catch it, reduce its power, and that now named, the troubling thought is less out of control, the troubling thought becomes manageable.” I think this is maybe why I write, why I’ve always written, why many of us do.
Myself, I would stick with fiction, but memoir is certainly easier to bleed out sometimes. But for publication? I'm a scaredy cat. For me, metaphors is the safest bet--best of both worlds. You might have to force the metaphors at first, maybe later they will come more naturally, or maybe the practice of it will simply exhaust the topic and give you some peace, but it sounds like IBNIICWAGI is trapped either way, and the only way out is to write it, whatever the route...
I'm working on a metaphored dad addiction from pov of daughter story, hopefully in a flash style, like Etgar Keret - right now it's rolls of quarters he shoves in his mouth that stretch out his cheeks as he shakes his head back and forth until he gets dizzy and falls over... which... i think i need to find a better metaphor, lol. i want it weird, so everyone will think dad's addiction is their addiction... i'll send it your way once i figure out how it ends...
IBNIICWAGI isn't writing for my advice, but I'll give it anyway.
"I can’t seem to write about anything except my husband’s drinking and how it affects our family." -IBNIICWAGI
You're not writing fiction. This is a thinly veiled memoir. And that's fine, but which genre are you trying to write? You must choose. If you choose fiction, then consider writing about alcoholism as a metaphor or addiction as a theme. Twist it. Disguise it. If you do it well, the message will inevitably shine through and hit oh-so-much harder.
To Max Brooks, his book World War Z wasn't about zombies spreading and taking over the entire world. It was about his mother dying of cancer, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.
—
"Because they probably won’t." -WD
This made me laugh out loud. Like Wil (or Daniel W. Broallt), I have published short stories that I hope my family will never read. I did not use a pen name. My family knows I've been published. They can search my name and find my stories, but they probably never will. And that's okay. I don't ask about their hobbies either.
Dan - it took me a while to realize that my friends and family that don't read for pleasure won't start just because I wrote something, likely in a genre they don't understand...
The memoir vs. metaphored version - on the one hand I want to counter with spanbauer(?) lish(?) saying - that story you cannot tell anyone? your secret pain? write that! the whole dangerous writing idea. you might get something like In the Cemetery Where Al Jolsen is Buried! Or you might treat workshop like therapy, take personal your peers critiques on the main character's plot, etc. I remember in a college writing class as everyone critiqued a breakup drama story one of the more talented writers had submitted and the class unanimously agreed that the protagonist was unrealistically stalky and the author got super defensive and the class realized it wasn't fiction and the lively debate faltered to awkward, 'well, write what you want, i guess...'
Hah. Yes, that will always happen. I agree with writing your secret pain, but too often writers will refuse to make improvements to their "fictional story" because "that isn't what happened in real life." These types of writers are helpless. If you're writing fiction, take what is real and either disguise it or exaggerate it beyond recognition. Rarely will the truth be enough for an engaging story, and the reader couldn't care less if it's true or not.
I like this discussion, It's something I have thought alot about. I've been sober a long long time and all my interesting personal experiences involve either being on drugs or being with people who are also in recovery. I don't have a problem anonymizing someone from my life for a story, or altering details for fiction in order to veil the storys origin... But then I think: if this person read this what would they think? Would they be upset enough to call me out on it? Would it change the nature of our relationship if they knew I used them for material? And yeah, it makes me a little anxious, but I know, as Mr. Writer said, people simply are not that likely to read this stuff. And if they do? Thats a bigger upside to me than the risk to the relationship, which is pretty small considering type of writing I am likely to put out about "them". That said, could I write about a fictional marriage to a character that has my wife's chief character flaws and not expect some trouble? No. Thats the risk, that's what would likely make it compelling writing and would probably make the reader (spouse included) feel things that may not sit well. It's probaly worth it. The last thing I would say here is that if a story gets published about a drunk (fictional, memoire-ical, etc...), and read by the drunk, it might fuck up their drinking which may make the marraige untenable or uncomfortable but maybe thats for the best. Consequences get people sober, I've seen it happen.
I would triple like this comment if I could. Very insightful.