I wonder if you could start the story here: "We didn’t notice until after everyone left..." I've had this one bookmarked for a while and the few times I dove in I struggled to get out of the first few paragraphs. After it flows super well.
Killer line: "Maintaining respectability in the neighborhood was exhausting..."
Thanks Amran. Especially thanks for coming back after struggling to get through initially? You’re a kinder man than me. As far as could it start then? Maybe? Probably? Good idea
More stubborn is more accurate. Anyway, to me, the first paragraph feels very expository and a bit divorced from the rest of the narrative. I think if you sprinkled in the key details throughout the rest of the piece the tone and pace would be more consistent. Just one opinion, of course.
Once you hit the paragraph with the broken aquarium things really take off and the "voice" of the narrator comes to life.
I wonder if you could start the story here: "We didn’t notice until after everyone left..." I've had this one bookmarked for a while and the few times I dove in I struggled to get out of the first few paragraphs. After it flows super well.
Killer line: "Maintaining respectability in the neighborhood was exhausting..."
Very nice piece, Wil.
Thanks Amran. Especially thanks for coming back after struggling to get through initially? You’re a kinder man than me. As far as could it start then? Maybe? Probably? Good idea
More stubborn is more accurate. Anyway, to me, the first paragraph feels very expository and a bit divorced from the rest of the narrative. I think if you sprinkled in the key details throughout the rest of the piece the tone and pace would be more consistent. Just one opinion, of course.
Once you hit the paragraph with the broken aquarium things really take off and the "voice" of the narrator comes to life.
All in all, I really liked it.
I forgot how much I liked this story. Current ending is my favorite.
Thanks! It should be. That was the ending you suggested! :)
ha!