Thanks! Can I ask if you think it stands as well without the longer title? So the four clause, “I See the Stars! Is It All Fated? You and I! You and I?!?” versus the earlier, simpler, less destiny referencing, one clause, “You and I?”
Thanks! Yeah, I go back and forth. Something to sleep on. Except, of course, I wouldn’t have asked if I wasn’t already thinking I should revert it back to “You and I”
Thanks again for reading! I’m so glad your kids went to bed on time to give you time to share your thoughts on this story tonight, your comments really encouraged me.
Wil, This is fantastic. I've been itching all evening for this last kid's eyelids to close so I could write this up.
You've really got some magic going on with this one. And speaking of magic, I love how you morph the game token and magic trick in all three parts. And the morph of the stars. Beautiful.
As I was reading, I was just waiting for the turn, and sure enough, at the end. You really took me on a roller coaster of emotion, and so spot on too (at least for me). You've captured several feelings that are so relatable in so many ways, yet unique to these characters as well.
Great movement throughout; one I will be studying to grab some of those, how'd he do that's?!!
Here are a few of my favorite things:
-The bit about little me inside my head controlling bigger me
-"Elvis legs."
-"We both avoid factory meat." lol
-The Lonely Hearts Club, and "I suspect the other half aren't any less lonely."
-"I feel her hand cut through the room, nowhere near my own."
-The description of rolling the coin at the end and making it disappear. So cool. I always wanted to do magic; just don't have it in me. Too self-conscious probably.
The only detail I found myself double- and triple-checking was that Thompson was a separate person from Tommy. If it's not a huge deal, consider changing Thompson's name?
Thanks for posting this, Wil. I'll share thoughts/comments via email after a few more reads. In the meantime, I'm really enjoying the star imagery and object transformations. Great stuff!
Great comments! Helpful! Ugh, those “I”s. Also, appreciate the shorthand of Chuck’s lessons/techniques in places where I did well with them and in places I could better apply (i.e., burnt tongue, on-the-body, object transformation, submerging the I). Also helpful to know where my word choice could be confusing. I appreciated the blue text for comments and your generosity in the line by line, particularly pointing out places where you felt in the story -- that’s so helpful. Thanks!
I've also shared this story in Chuck Palahniuk's call for stories, here: https://chuckpalahniuk.substack.com/p/a-call-for-stories-ii
(No guarantee he will select it for commenting).
However, please do not hesitate to share your thoughts on how I could improve it.
Also, if you'd like a playlist as you read, here's the songs I had on during edits:
1. Is This Love - Bob Marley
2. Archie, Marry Me - Alvvays
3. A Blues In Drag [Alt RS Vocal Demo] - The Glove
Doesn't need a playlist. Stands on its own legs.
Thanks! Can I ask if you think it stands as well without the longer title? So the four clause, “I See the Stars! Is It All Fated? You and I! You and I?!?” versus the earlier, simpler, less destiny referencing, one clause, “You and I?”
I noticed the change and prefer the shorter, “You and I”
Thanks! Yeah, I go back and forth. Something to sleep on. Except, of course, I wouldn’t have asked if I wasn’t already thinking I should revert it back to “You and I”
Thanks again for reading! I’m so glad your kids went to bed on time to give you time to share your thoughts on this story tonight, your comments really encouraged me.
Went to bed on time...😏😆🤣
A pleasure to read. Thank you for putting it out there. (Go with the shorter title.)
On to the next one!
Or any love/pop song with stars in the lyrics. (There’s so many!!)
Wil, This is fantastic. I've been itching all evening for this last kid's eyelids to close so I could write this up.
You've really got some magic going on with this one. And speaking of magic, I love how you morph the game token and magic trick in all three parts. And the morph of the stars. Beautiful.
As I was reading, I was just waiting for the turn, and sure enough, at the end. You really took me on a roller coaster of emotion, and so spot on too (at least for me). You've captured several feelings that are so relatable in so many ways, yet unique to these characters as well.
Great movement throughout; one I will be studying to grab some of those, how'd he do that's?!!
Here are a few of my favorite things:
-The bit about little me inside my head controlling bigger me
-"Elvis legs."
-"We both avoid factory meat." lol
-The Lonely Hearts Club, and "I suspect the other half aren't any less lonely."
-"I feel her hand cut through the room, nowhere near my own."
-The description of rolling the coin at the end and making it disappear. So cool. I always wanted to do magic; just don't have it in me. Too self-conscious probably.
The only detail I found myself double- and triple-checking was that Thompson was a separate person from Tommy. If it's not a huge deal, consider changing Thompson's name?
Amazing work. Great job. Love it.
Thanks Maegan! I’m so glad you enjoyed it. Also, thanks for sharing your favorite parts - that’s super helpful to know.
Yes, Thompson’s a different guy than Tommy! Easy fix, very helpful, thanks for pointing out the confusion.
Thanks for posting this, Wil. I'll share thoughts/comments via email after a few more reads. In the meantime, I'm really enjoying the star imagery and object transformations. Great stuff!
Much appreciated, Steve! Thanks for reading!
comments on the way via email either tonight or thursday
Awesome! But no rush!
Sent the comments Wednesday.
Did you receive the pdf?
Great comments! Helpful! Ugh, those “I”s. Also, appreciate the shorthand of Chuck’s lessons/techniques in places where I did well with them and in places I could better apply (i.e., burnt tongue, on-the-body, object transformation, submerging the I). Also helpful to know where my word choice could be confusing. I appreciated the blue text for comments and your generosity in the line by line, particularly pointing out places where you felt in the story -- that’s so helpful. Thanks!
Oh no! Your message got routed to my junk folder. Thanks for letting me know. I found it and look forward to reading them now!