Music That Means Something to Me These Past Five Years

I hear fatherhood changes you, and yeah, maybe, but mostly the change seems to be feeling tired all the time

So I’m feeling a little guilty about my last post since it was mostly recycled¹ likes and thoughts from seven years ago. Here is the playlist I would share today:

1. Be Brave - Modest Mouse

2. A Blues in Drag - The Glove (Robert Smith vocals)

3. I’m So Tired - The Beatles

4. 13 Ghosts II - NIN

5. I’m Only Sleeping - The Beatles

6. You Might Die Trying - Dave Matthews Band

7. Theme from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Jon Brion

8. Long, Long, Long - The Beatles

9. I Need Some Sleep - Eels

10. Just Us - Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross

11. You’re the One - The Black Keys

12. Forever - Matt and Kim

13. It’s Never Over (Hey Orpheus) - Arcade Fire

14. Fourth of July - Sufjan Stevens

Less thought went into this playlist. I sought songs that expressed tiredness. Since that 2015 playlist, I’ve become dad to three wonderful kids. My daughter was born in 2016. My boys born two and a half years later. My wife has the impressive job that lets us travel the world. I’ve stayed home to entertain our kids, put them in timeout when they hit each other, wash the dishes, prepare healthy snacks, etc. It’s great and I like it more than most other parents I know, but I do worry that I haven’t slept enough in over five years. I fail to reflect; memories have no time to root. I keep thinking, “someday soon, I will rest, I will remember, I will make connections, I will see the insane amount of synchronicities in the everyday… but first, but for now, I got to make sure dinner is ready, diapers are changed, school uniforms are washed…”

Before I was a dad, I worried foolishly about a lot of abstract hypotheticals. In fatherhood, I realize none of the theoretical matters - it’s all feeding and cleaning and making sure they’re getting their naps. And wishing you could nap, too! But as I compiled the list, I couldn’t help but select a few songs with some more meaning than I’d initially intended. So, mostly, they’re just songs about how great it’d be to sleep. Less Jesus, more Zzzzzzzzz-es. But as with any list I make, some stories seeped in. 

Be Brave - Modest Mouse

My daughter was born a couple months early; healthy - just needed time to learn to breathe and eat on her own. My wife and I visited every morning and frequently came back at night. And Be Brave became my theme song (of sorts). Now, I can appreciate the lyrical reference to unicorns and Noah’s ark, but at the time, the main words I heard were “the world it don’t give a shit,” and "don’t quit,” and of course, the “be brave be brave be brave,” refrain was in my heart every time I held my daughter’s tiny tiny tiny hand.

A Blues in Drag - The Glove (Robert Smith vocals)

Marriage mostly cured me of my melancholy, except when I don’t get enough sleep. 

I’m So Tired - The Beatles

My daughter slept great. She would sleep on me. I could sleep next to her. When the twins came… well, we did our best to schedule naps and keep them synced in the day, but at night? If one has a nightmare and wakes crying, the other doesn’t want to miss the consoling and cuddles. I’ve gotten skilled at holding and rocking them both at the same time - and then gently laying one back down with one arm while supporting the other in my other arm.

13 Ghosts II - NIN

Now I know all about Coco-Melon and Baby Bum Bum, but when my daughter was born, I knew nothing of the world of kid tunes. My favorite lullaby was Mary Had a Little Lamb because it had the most verses I remembered. To keep things fresh, I would sing in different accents. When my daughter needed a wind-down cue to signal bedtime/naptime, we played this soothing instrumental Nine Inch Nails² song on repeat. 

I’m Only Sleeping - The Beatles

Are there so many Beatles tracks on this playlist because they were the greatest of all time or because, like the rest of the world, I’ve been watching the just released Get Back documentary on Disney+ ? Clearly, lads who know the importance of rest.

You Might Die Trying - Dave Matthews Band

If you give / you begin to live / you get the world. Also, no matter how relentless the kids are, I can’t quit.  

Theme from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Jon Brion

But, God, I’d like a nap.

Long, Long, Long - The Beatles

A long, undisturbed slumber.

I Need Some Sleep - Eels

Quick aside, I love when a singer-songwriter duets with him/herself.

Just Us - Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross

I love Trent Reznor’s career arc.

You’re the One - The Black Keys

I love my kids.

Forever - Matt and Kim

Probably not the shit they meant, but “Don’t want to live forever in this world of shit,” perfectly expresses my sentiment carrying out the surprisingly heavy bag of dirty diapers every other day³. 

It’s Never Over (Hey Orpheus) - Arcade Fire

This song’s here because the title captures the aforementioned no-break role of parenthood, but - my wife and I have been in Orpheus’ cave! After we married, before we wanted kids, we did two years of Peace Corps in Bulgaria, where in the Rhodope Mountains (in the south), the Thracian poet descended to retrieve his love from Hades⁴. 

Fourth of July - Sufjan Stevens

An irony of holding my children is how much more I think about my own mortality. My daughter likes this song⁵, but whenever she hears it, she tells me that she does not want to die, and she doesn’t want me to die, and she doesn’t want her mom to die, and she doesn’t want her brothers to die. Me neither, I say. Me neither. 

All right. That’s my playlist made today. A more current reflection of my heart. 

Good night. 

1. Small confession: I started this substack so I could have an active online presence for the personal bio I’d attach to story submissions. So, the first few posts were repurposed text threads or twitter posts about stories I was working on (the fear of being a werewolf in my youth, the day the maggots attacked). Now I’m writing for you, but also for posterity, thinking - someday I’ll die and my kids might like to stumble upon these stories and know who I was when I was (hopefully) much younger.

2. It amuses me immensely that the same musician soundtracks both my workouts and my daughter’s naps. 

3. And we bought the large diaper genie!

4. Did not end happily.

5. My daughter likes a lot of Sufjan Stevens’ stuff, but she calls him “susie stevens.”