Have you read my short story in the Craig Clevenger edited Diner Noir Outcast Press anthology: Turn Out the Lights and Cry? They posted it free to read as a sample of the noir delights within their anthology, so click the link below and read it before continuing to some of my quick reflections on the piece below.
I attended an "opening paragraphs" critique thing once where an editor read submitted first lines and shared why they worked or didn't. There was one passage she picked apart for the way it instantly defined a character the narrator referred to as his "best friend" by her hair, skin, eyes, and lips. As if the physical qualities of the best friend somehow gave a better picture of their relationship. They didn't. OBVI. Her warning was similar to your other Meg's. Don't overtly characterize female characters by their physical attributes UNLESS it's an important character definer for the person objectifying them. Like, if your narrator is a pig, for example. 😉
I did a little bit of cringing through this. Some of it was good cringing, though. Great tension build inside the restaurant. Ack ack AAAACCCKK!!! I always have to do a quick double take when you take on a female POV - I probably do this because I know you are a man and I'm not expecting it. I did the same with your story challenge chapter. A little - hold up - okay, now I'm with you moment. This just means more men need to write from female POVs (effectively) so it stops being jarring. So - please keep doing it.
I'm glad Maegan talked you out of excessive period talk - but I also wondered why you needed that element at all, unless it was simply to provide medical proof to the psycho that the MC wasn't pregnant. Or maybe you just love bodily fluids and that's okay, too.
Regarding the bralessness. I have to say WHAAAAATTTT? No way would any lactating woman do that. I nursed both of my babies through 18 months and I COULD NOT leave the house without a proper bra stuffed with multiple boob maxi pads or whatever they call them. I went to the movies once with my husband and managed to leak through all that noise I just mentioned in a matter of two hours. Just saying. All the thinking she's doing about her baby at home would be enough to open the flood gates. Why not keep her in the bra, but have her leak through it and let that be the eyebrow raise moment for your jilted diner wife?
One last thing. And this might just be me and my fear of guns and psychotic people - but I could NOT relate to the MCs decision to go back inside the diner after she narrowly escaped being murdered. I mean - women gotta stick together, but there is a limit. IMO. 😂
Obviously, this story kicks ass, Wil. And I'm just throwing thoughts at you because you asked for them. I'm super proud of your publishing accomplishments and you should be too! Seems like you've got a good thing going with Outcast. We all deserve to find happy homes for our work. Glad you've found one for yours. 💜💜💜
I think you did a good job because the tone and good intentions of the MC quickly make up for any “huh” moments about wearing a bra. I never seen anyone write about a Diva Cup before so when I saw that, I did scroll up to see if the author name was male or female, but in the end it made me smile because there was tons of character.
I attended an "opening paragraphs" critique thing once where an editor read submitted first lines and shared why they worked or didn't. There was one passage she picked apart for the way it instantly defined a character the narrator referred to as his "best friend" by her hair, skin, eyes, and lips. As if the physical qualities of the best friend somehow gave a better picture of their relationship. They didn't. OBVI. Her warning was similar to your other Meg's. Don't overtly characterize female characters by their physical attributes UNLESS it's an important character definer for the person objectifying them. Like, if your narrator is a pig, for example. 😉
I did a little bit of cringing through this. Some of it was good cringing, though. Great tension build inside the restaurant. Ack ack AAAACCCKK!!! I always have to do a quick double take when you take on a female POV - I probably do this because I know you are a man and I'm not expecting it. I did the same with your story challenge chapter. A little - hold up - okay, now I'm with you moment. This just means more men need to write from female POVs (effectively) so it stops being jarring. So - please keep doing it.
I'm glad Maegan talked you out of excessive period talk - but I also wondered why you needed that element at all, unless it was simply to provide medical proof to the psycho that the MC wasn't pregnant. Or maybe you just love bodily fluids and that's okay, too.
Regarding the bralessness. I have to say WHAAAAATTTT? No way would any lactating woman do that. I nursed both of my babies through 18 months and I COULD NOT leave the house without a proper bra stuffed with multiple boob maxi pads or whatever they call them. I went to the movies once with my husband and managed to leak through all that noise I just mentioned in a matter of two hours. Just saying. All the thinking she's doing about her baby at home would be enough to open the flood gates. Why not keep her in the bra, but have her leak through it and let that be the eyebrow raise moment for your jilted diner wife?
One last thing. And this might just be me and my fear of guns and psychotic people - but I could NOT relate to the MCs decision to go back inside the diner after she narrowly escaped being murdered. I mean - women gotta stick together, but there is a limit. IMO. 😂
Obviously, this story kicks ass, Wil. And I'm just throwing thoughts at you because you asked for them. I'm super proud of your publishing accomplishments and you should be too! Seems like you've got a good thing going with Outcast. We all deserve to find happy homes for our work. Glad you've found one for yours. 💜💜💜
I think you did a good job because the tone and good intentions of the MC quickly make up for any “huh” moments about wearing a bra. I never seen anyone write about a Diva Cup before so when I saw that, I did scroll up to see if the author name was male or female, but in the end it made me smile because there was tons of character.