Tips for First Time Kissers

Before Walt Darling’s lips ever pressed against another’s, all he heard from friends and strangers was whether this boy or that girl was a good or bad kisser. Walt knew he could never fail worse than when he closed his eyes and licked Erica’s cheek in front of the entire sixth grade class that had encircled them both on the steps of the Dallas Art Museum, but he did worry that because he had no idea what he was doing, if he was declared a bad kisser, he could never know love and would then live his entire life alone and defeated. If the internet existed when this question of “how to kiss, exactly?” tormented him, then the following article might have calmed his raging doubts and stilled his anxious heart.

I hope, if you too, perhaps, find yourself, like Walt, wanting nothing more than to kiss and be kissed, for the first time, or the first time in a long time, that this little guide gives you confidence on your next smooching escapade:

The Science of Spit Exchange

Your pressed lips push against more nerve endings than any other part of your body. Dopamine. Dancing. Oxytocin. Affection. Lowered cortisol. Unbound serotonin. Raised relief. Soo good mood. Relaxed - yet heart-shaking.

Open mouth tongue kissing increases the spit you swallow and share. The more swapped, the better the deal. Find a partner willing to trade.

Lean in

Nervous? Trepidating? Neurotic? No need for speed, especially if your heads haven’t aligned. Breathe. Take your time. Breathe!

Decide which direction to tilt your head before beginning to smooch. Consider the size of your forehead and the prominence of your nose. Does your chin poke out like a banana head or does it gently recede like that same banana head twisted around 180? Which way is the sun shining? You’ll want to avoid the dreaded “squint-instigated-cessation.”

Proper alignment decide. Slowly dip your head, or gently guide your partner’s face to the side, but don’t grip any tighter than you’d hold a nougat-filled milk chocolate bar. If despite proper preparation, you still bang heads, make light of the crash. A phrase like, “Wow, buster! I know who to call when I have a nail but no hammer,” can work wonders in reframing a moment of derailing embarrassment back into one where nothing phases you, nothing stops you, you’re a wo/man who knows what s/he wants and what you want is a kiss.

Avoid the Hypno-Stare. You recall how Bruce Lee taught you to look past the object you’re punching? Kissing isn’t like that. No need to stare into their soul, (what even is a soul, anyway?), but a little eye contact with one or two eyelid flexes can minimize the initial awkwardness while you connect.

Ease into it

Remember the fable of The Tortoise and the Hare. Start simply, slowly, and gently, with light pressure.

Want to keep going? To move from kindergarten scribbles to Da Vinci masterpiecing, vary your pressure. Shift your focus from their top lip to their bottom.

Remember: They’re not a Pez dispenser. Pushing their head back too far will not reveal a block of candy in their neck. It’ll just knock them over, prematurely ending your kiss.

Keep your mouth relaxed

Some helpful mouth stretches before attempting the kiss: Repeat “red leather, yellow leather,” three times fast. “She sells sea shells by the seashore” is a classic for a reason.

A tip for newbies full of doubt: Mirror, mirror on the wall. Most people kiss how they like to be kissed. Before you meet up, play pretend.

Use your hands

Avoid star fishing jazz hands. It’s okay to put your hands on your partner. Do what feels most comfortable, but if you sense him/her recoil, it’s best to put your hands in your pockets. But if your partner is game? Try putting your hands into their back pockets! Punctuate the moment with exclamations of, “Huzzah!”

Avoid these places until your partner puts your hand there: Gripping the chest, ears, or chin like handlebars will end your smoochfest immediately. If there’s a height difference, a first kiss is too soon for the ladder maneuver. Better to squeeze the back of a thigh than suffer tired arms raised to reach behind a neck taller than the shelf you avoid stocking.

A little more on those exclamations: Someday, sooner than is just, you will discover that in this life, rarely will you have a good reason to shout, “Huzzah!” and you will be immeasurably grateful for every time you did.

Shifting from school-zone to warp-speed

Start with the tip of the tongue

Less is more, especially when it comes to anything tongue-related. Most people don’t enjoy saliva all over their face. Try quickly and gently touching the tip of your tongue to theirs.

Definitely don’t try shoving your entire tongue into their mouth

An unexpected tongue in your mouth isn’t just a ticket to a drool fest. It’s also pretty unsexy — and sometimes, you might end up getting bitten, or worse - you may accidentally trigger the dreaded burst-fire-hydrant trick - which if that’s your thing, no judgement, you do you, but let’s be honest, if that’s your thing, you don’t really need a guide for beginners, do you?

Find a natural rhythm

Make sure to breathe (obviously), and find what feels good for both you and your partner. Not quite sure if they’re ready for a break or want to keep going? Come up for air and ask!

HUZZAH!!

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Can we change course?

In comedy, in writing, in relationships, in everything really, it’s crucial to know when to shift and redirect. I could keep going in this vein of subtly insane advice in the guise of a kissing guide… but this is enough isn’t it? You, if you wanted, could imagine what would come next, and I bet your version would be sillier, maybe even more honest, more heartfelt and hilarious.

So, please permit me to shrug off the pretense and address the only real question of consequence¹:

Do you close your eyes when you kiss?

Everything else you’ll figure out in the moment, and even this, assuming a patient partner, you could blink your way to a satisfactory exchange - but consider Ben Gibbards’ timeless electro-pop love lyrics:

I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images
And when we kiss they're perfectly aligned

Consider that staring at someone so close, for so long, it’s weird, it’s a challenge to sustain, but if you can, I mean, wow, your kissing companion must be as enthralled with you as you with her/him!

On the other hand, when you want to focus on a beautiful symphony of music or an intoxicating scent of cooking, don’t you close your eyes to heighten your other senses? In the same way, wouldn’t it make sense to cinch shut your eyes to enhance your awareness of the touch of her/his lips upon your lips?

I imagine my answer would match what I’d do when the air raid sirens - oh!

Do I watch or do I wait?

In the comments, please share your thoughts on where you’d take this abandoned guide to smooching and/or your thoughts on the perennial eyes-open/eyes-shut question:

And yes, this post is my sly way of announcing the return of my Walt Darling serial epic.

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from Dave Eggers most recent short story/novelette, published first by One Story. Don’t you want to swallow worlds and end time? Go get kissing!

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And we’ll close with a song from my past, when kissing swept away all sadness?

1. Forgoing for practical reasons the persistent and torturous, “why can’t this moment last forever?”