Excerpts From My Own Imaginary Novels I Included On Staff Agendas When I Was A Resident Director

because I had grown to dislike quotations at the bottom of agendas or emails and in protest started quoting my own fiction fragments

Do you include an inspirational quote at the bottom of your staff agenda? Or in the top left corner - a little cartoon? Maybe an agenda item appropriate meme? This type of enhancement to the meeting agenda was part of the culture at my last professional workplace, but one I… despise is too harsh a word… dislike is not harsh enough… detested? Yes, let’s say, detested.

So, inspired by Borges, I began inventing my own quotes to drop at the bottom of my staff meetings. Some I falsely attributed. For most I also invented an author. Some of my invented quotes were succinct. Some were much longer and weirder.

My point is, I recently spring-cleaned my laptop and rediscovered some of my favorites.

Enjoy!

“Peace thrives when community flyers are posted prior to the event advertised.”

- Treatise on Welcome Event Programming by Gandhi

“…and then I became a disciple of awesome.”

                                    - The Disappointed, by Lincoln J. King

  Emma bit her lip as Evan continued, “the true horror in scary stories comes at the end. As long as there was a crazy counselor with killer craft projects, the campers had purpose. Figure out the knot, remember how to use a map and compass, secure the bandages, get out, stay alive, defeat the monster. But in the end? The horror seems over, but it’s really just started. Because now the campers have to decide what to do with their lives. Figure out who they are, what they’ll do, if they’re good people.  It’s easy to have direction and do the right moral thing when you’re being chased by some Halloween slasher freak. It’s much harder when your assailant is the mundanity of existence that chases all of us.”

    “You’re scaring me,” Emma said, noting that someone had removed all of the oars between her and the door.

    “Or like me,” Evan said, as he flipped open his pocket knife, “You can find meaning by giving purpose to others.”

                                   - Camp Craft Awake: The Return by Emerson Edwards¹

????

“The problem with quotes is they all seem so false to the present moment. I’d much rather be moving, running, punching, kissing. I’m so tired of people putting weight on words they never thought until they read them. That’s not who they are and it’s not who I’m interested in knowing.”

“But doesn’t it reveal a bit of who they are by showing what moves them?”

“Hmm. Maybe.”

“Aren’t we defined by what we like?”

“I’d argue we’re defined by what we do.”

“Don’t we do stuff based on what we like? Aren’t our actions just us chasing our desires?”

“Enough. I need a latte.”

“Feel free to quote me.”

“<expletive> <expletive>”       

                                    - The Terrible Trial of Tony the Tiger, by Lincoln J. King

Wow. I was a weird supervisor. Yes, those were all real. I mean, I made them up, but I made them up for the bottom of my staff agendas 7-10 years ago, not just now for this post.

Speaking of which, if this post seemed like an excuse to show off those awesome coffee-themed page breaks, well, haha! Yes!

A big thanks and hat-tip to

Meg Oolders

at

Stock Fiction

for designing them.

Has the sun set hours ago and am I making a latte?

Yes, but relax, it’s decaf.

And yes, yes, I miss my weekly staff meetings. #RESLIFE4EVA

1. I still hope to write Camp Craft Awake: The Return! Except! My idea formed when quarter-life crises were a thing recent college grads talked about. I heard the other day that no one worries about being a sell-out anymore! Times change, man. Times change. And maybe also my slasher-novel-in-progress plans.